Dear Taffy,
If I had the wiles, I would not be here - I would be in Botswana, or Innsbruck or Civitavecchia. I would be in Queensland, sitting on a porch with a notebook on the table in front of me. I would have arrived by train.
I woke up at 2:51 this morning and decided that if I'm going to live in the same house as a bartender I'm going to have to get hypnosis. It's now a bright sunny day and that idea doesn't necessarily make as much sense as it did at 2:52 this morning, but I think it might have some merit. Does it? I can't tell, my grasp on reality has become increasingly tenuous. To me, hypnosis sounds more appealing than earplugs.
If I were more practical, I wouldn't have gone to college at all. I learned nothing. Or, I would have majored in botany and become a gardener. This idea never occured to me until three weeks ago. I constantly squander opportunities and am probably squandering them right now while I write this.
Please advise.
Myrtle
-----
NewYork Dec 16
Myrtle B. Jones
Fort Lauderdale Fla.
Muytle, stop your whinging, why do you burdne me so
letgg stop
-T
-----
December 17
Dear Taffy,
I received your telegram yesterday; thank you. Although I found them rather incoherent and frighteningly misspelled, I recognize the wisdom in your words - I do need to let go. I must accept my lot in life, which isn't as dire as I sometimes imagine it to be. I have decided to give Buffingham a raise so he can quit his second job and serve as my manservant full time.
Taffy, I am concerned that you are using drugs again. Yours is a brilliant mind. Will you waste your entire life away? Please try to forget about what happened; it was not your fault. If you need a stable place to live, please consider my offer, which still stands, to stay with me. With the proceeds of my novel, I have purchased a lovely, sturdy old home, with polished wood floors, a library, and a wrap-around porch - just like we always dreamed about. Please, Taffy, come down south, and get away from those enablers in your life.
Best,
M. B. Jones
-----
Dec 21
M - just who the sam hell you think you are to be accusing me of being on drugs, just because you can't read, you don't know me! you don't know me! pls send $50, will pay you back on arrival in fla. - t
p.s. Jack Kerouac's house isn't in Ft Lauderdale dumby!
-----
24 December
Enclosed please find $75 to be used for busfare and comestibles for T. Black's journey to Florida. Please be advised that Ms. M. B. Jones is aware of the location of Mr. Kerouac's house, having discovered the fact after purchasing her fine homestead in Fort Lauderdale.
Sincerely,
Buffingham, Esq.
Manservant
-----
Jan3
Newyork
Buff you keys happy new year!!! to ype the small keys. arrive 7jnaauyr in ftlad. pls tell myrlte to get off her high horse!!! i have a sarprise and plase also to sened $75 more as busfare has gone wayyy up. -T. Black, ABD
Buffingham read Taffy's latest telegram and shook his head. He put the missive on a silver platter and walked down the hall towards the library, out of which the tapping of typewriter keys and various curses were emitting. He knocked gently at the door and waited for admittance, knowing that the message and its resultant hijinks would change the lives of him and his employer forever.
